I didn't mean to post this but I just felt a sudden desire to post it. How shall I say?

Friends have been hurting me ever since my primary school days. History repeats whenever I move on. But I always keep trusting them no matter what, no matter how much they have hurt me or betrayed me.

To me, friends are important to me. I care, I trust, I won't want them to be sad. I want them to be happy. That my wish. And that why I'm always making a joke out of myself. And because of I have been doing that. People seems to have taken a fool out of me, or by seeing that, they thinks that its alright to hurt me which they don't know that they have hurted me.

Just like recently, when i went to Jasmine's house warming, I'm with my friends, and they know I'm a person who is like crazy and so on. And after playing games and so on, when we go outside for a drink, my friend who have her sister and bro there, hurted me with her words in chinese, and my other friend, who stand beside me didn't really helped me. Of course, they didn't know that I'm hurted because I immediately just laughed awkward. But of course, I'm feeling upset and terrible inside.

Another time is I have this friend, called Alicia, who i met in my work previously and she was in the same primary school as me, so of course I eventually become friends easily with her. And always I'm that kind of person. And I just joked around. And One day, she never answer my calls anymore. And because of that, I'm so worried about what happened, that i sms her, called her in different timing, as I think that its better that way and it cannot be that she is busy every different time. And finally once, she answered the phone but when she heard my voice, she closed it directly, which hurted me. She makes me think about what did I done and I'm so worried everyday and there were times that I cried alone. I told my friend, Shernice, who is also her friend what happen and helped me asked her what happened. And she replied to my friend that She is busy and I doesnt believe it. It makes no sense that she can be busy every hour or every minutes that she cant even replied a sms or take up a call.

After a month, I called her once to try. And she picked up. And this time, she never put down the phone directly. And i questioned her immediately, why did she ignored me through out that whole few months. And she replied she forgot and then she say its because she got scared of my "jokes".

When I talked to her, I'm so angry and upset that I closed the phone without finishing and never picked up any of her message or phone. I know that maybe my jokes is scary or what, but why did I do that and who do I did that. Do you think I like doing it? Making a fool of myself is to make her happy and she should know that I'm joking. Though I know I'm at fault but still it doesnt make any sense for her to ignore my call and message. Do she know how worry I am, How much I have blamed myself and how much thinking I have went around to find out what I did wrong? How much tears I shed to blame myself? She should just tell me directly, I prefer that. And after that, I trusted her back.

This is how weak I am. Laugh all you want, whoever is reading. I am so weak. Laugh like all you want. Despise me that I'm so weak, so easily teared or whatever you like. No matter how much times friends have hurted me, I always go back to trusting them. The Rs should know that pretty well after all, I got betrayed like an idiot twice. And I go back trusting them in the end. And because of my stupid dam ass personality, I have been treated like an fool and my existance is like nothing much. Whenever I'm being critise by my friends like the 3 who are good at chinese very well, and another 2 of them who is my god sis, and my loyang classmate who is still my classmate and etc, I may look fine in front of you guys, but I'm not. Whenever I hear those words, even its just chatting around, my heart feel pain and terrible, do you know that? I may look fine, happy and carefree but inside me, its a lot of pain that I have to cry in the night before I sleep that can make me go to sleep easily.

Things aren't easy too in my family. Like my brother. When playing games with him and I can't hear clearly what he says, and he repeats and I cant hear clearly again, He will shout at me" Are you deaf?" in chinese, and he does that when he know that I cant hear well at all. And when I hear that, I always feel like crying. He know about my hearing but he still shouts at me with that sentence. It's very hurting for me that I feel like crying but I didn't. I beared with it always.

Hahas. Because of this post, I crys. Life is never easy for me. That why whenever I look back, I always says,"Well done, ZH, you have walked a long way." And that why I love sad song too. It can make me cry and release my stress. Things aren't easy for me. I may look fine on the appearance, around friends, but when I'm alone, I'm different. And now I have lose some close friend of mine. My life in school seems tough for me. But ZH you can do it right? Afterall, you have gone through a lot to reach poly, this step. You must be like Green, Strong and continue to walk no matter how hard is it.

I'm sorry for this long post, its just for me to release some inside painful secrets that I have holded up. Thank you for reading... Bye...